Apparently My Totem Animal is...Oprah?

Okay, just had to share this. I generally have pretty vivid and wacky dreams, but it's rare that I feel like I'm being given a message of any kind, or even that my subconscious is trying to process something about my waking life. Last night was different.

I dreamt that my husband and I were chilling in some kind of rec center, waiting for something, when Oprah burst in with a camera crew and her staff. Apparently she was on some kind of "real women, real issues" tour where she just showed up at random places and surveyed real women live on camera. She plunked down at our table without warning and announced that, "Today we're going to be talking to Real Women about issues like health, diet, and holiday weight gain. What's your name, darlin'?" I gave her my name and she wrote it down on a form in what looked like a well-traveled back issue of her magazine. "And how much do you weigh?"

I found my Southern sensibilities quite thrown off; I hadn't expected Dream Oprah to be quite so brazenly forward. She kept asking me questions about my weight and eating habits, and, as is often the case in dreams, I couldn't do either of the things I really wanted to do--either get away or take her to task for her promotion of anti-scientific, quack-medical bullshit that's destroying people's health in America. Dream Oprah completely Mom Voiced me. And she didn't believe any of my answers to her questions about my damn eating habits. She just kept looking at me with that knowing look that moms and teachers and sitcom black women can get--"Mmmm-hmm...yeah right, honey; keep lying to yourself."

I'll admit it; I don't have the world's best diet, and I pretty much never frickin' exercise. It's not like I eat McDonald's for every meal. I do manage to get some fresh fruit and veg in there, more than one serving a day, even, and I try to stick to lean proteins. I avoid frying a good amount of the time, and I drink water or orange juice almost exclusively. I do eat refined sugars, though, and gad help me, I love booze. Yes, I should eat more whole grains and vegetables, and I really should get on some kind of exercise regimen. Even if I'm a "good size" (thanks a lot, judgmental media, for putting value requirements on something as arbitrary and variable as body size and shape!) I'm not truly healthy, because I don't do enough cardio.

So I guess I'll start making a better effort to be healthy. Okay, Dream Oprah, are you satisfied? Get off my ass now, ya billion-dollar-havin' bitch.